Melancholy-Choleric

Some Catholic friends of ours recommended a book called Personality Plus. The author is Christian, though not Catholic. It’s been enlightening to understand why each of the members of our family act and react they way they do. Interestingly, I am equally Melancholy and Choleric, what I call “evil genius”. Not that I am claiming genius myself, but the melancholy personality tends toward the musically/artistically gifted, while the choleric tends toward the controlling, management-oriented type. Thankfully, my husband is almost completely phlegmatic, with a pinch of melancholy thrown in for interest. The phlegmatic is the easy-going, peaceful, non-confrontational sort, making him a good balance for my highs and lows. Melancholy can be quite temperamental, and I must admit I exhibit it well. I wouldn’t live well with myself. I’m shocked that he can.

The challenge in our family enters with our oldest son. He is nearly fully choleric, which means he desires control of any situation. I, also being choleric, am fully convinced that as parent, I should be in control. There is almost constant tension between us as he tries to exercise his dictatorial desire for leadership over his siblings. We are learning to allow him control over things that do not usurp our own authority. One example is meal-planning. Every week he can plan up to three meals, including the entree, a side dish and a vegetable. As you might expect from an 11 year old, they are not the highest quality nutrition, but it gives us an opportunity to discuss that, too.

The rest of the children fall mainly in the sanguine (popular, dramatic type) and melancholy range, with generally a hint of choleric here and there. Maybe our Eliza will fall into the phlegmatic, like her Daddy. That type is just so much easier to get along with! Both the sanguine and the melancholy are known for mood swings, which explains why there is almost always someone breaking down around here. Sadie and Simon are definite sanguines, while Oliver has displayed the melancholy tendency toward OCD almost from birth. I feared he was going to be autistic for the first 2-3 years of his life, but he’s normal, just very perfectionistic.

The most healing part of this book, for me, was finally getting my husband to understand that I have a deep need to be able to share my challenges and disappointments with him, without him feeling guilty (or at least pushing that guilt back on me) that I need to verbalize those things even when he can’t fix them. The melancholy is a very private person, who finds it difficult to reveal deeply emotional things to others. Combined with my background, which has intensified my tendency to keep things to myself because of previous betrayal and abandonment, I have very few people with whom I am transparent. He is my trusted person, and a wonderful gift of God in my life. While there are a few others, I’m always concerned they may feel my problems may be a bother or an interruption into their lives.

Knowing myself better has definitely led me into some spiritual insights, which I’ll get into in future posts.