Direction — Where to go from here?

{dusting off the cobwebs, sweeping up debris from long disuse…}

I’ve been thinking about the blog a lot, obviously not posting any of my thoughts. Like several of the individuals whose blogs I follow, I struggle with my commitment to blogging and reasons behind doing so. I began this blog as an exuberant new Catholic whose online community had unraveled , trying to integrate newfound Catholic fervor with a particular bent toward apologetics, an evolving political quandry progressing from evangelical conservative roots through Libertarianism turned topsy-turvy when informed by Catholic ideals, and an overarching passion for midwifery, birth and moderately crunchy parenting choices.

What I have discovered over the intervening years is that I cannot sustain my Catholicity and spiritual growth based upon defining how Protestant I no longer am. I pray continually for unity, but it will not be achieved by pointing out how “they” are wrong and “we” are right, even when the intention is simply explaining what we really mean by {insert peculiarly Catholic doctrine here}. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate those who do so in charity, and still follow some who accomplish this with eloquence. On the other hand, I can’t help but contrast myself against other spiritually uplifting bloggers with whose words I strongly identify. While they express themselves with inspiring and humorous prose, I find myself only capable of nodding my head in agreement, my tired brain unable to string together any theologically oriented nouns and verbs worth displaying for others’ consumption, and feeling conspicuously pretentious when attempting to do so. So blog foundation #1 seems chipped and fractured.

Over the last several political campaigns, I have becoming increasingly disenchanted with our unique American political and economic systems, the foundations and ideals upon which they are based, and above all the modern interpretation of those foundations and ideals. I firmly believe that Catholics are disenfranchised in America today and have slim morally acceptable pickings among the viable national players. Despite sporadic bantering supporting a Catholic or Natural Law oriented alternative within the blogosphere, there seems to be little will and even less financial support to promote such an endeavor over the long haul. I don’t desire to become another tiresome echo chamber, and have all but tuned out of the national political chatter, excepting only the pro-life cause. So foundation #2 has crumbled.

Thirdly, I was shown with absolute clarity by several convergent factors that there is no way I can raise my family in the manner worthy of God’s calling and also be running around chasing births and a midwifery career. At this point in my life, my vocational priorities need to be established firmly. I have also become uncomfortable sharing intimate details of other families’ birth experiences in which I have participated, though I have assisted my school in establishing a website to which parents can submit their own birth stories. So at the moment, I have scant experiences from which to draw illuminating posts, and any which I may develop are more likely to find their way to the aforementioned website. Goodbye foundation #3.

I have thought long and hard about whether to continue blogging at all here. I’m reluctant to completely close up shop, simply because I like having an outlet. I like to write when the mood strikes. I have identified two factors by which I might invigorate my blogging. The first is the recognition that my thought processes and creativity are facilitated by two-way dialog. Shouting into a vacuum is unsustainable. I would dearly love to participate once again in a group format blog. I have some thoughts about inviting some new voices, and also would gladly consider any who might like to volunteer whether to join this place or embark on something new. More importantly, I need a definable focus. My initial motivations having run their course, what have I left to say? I have found that I spend a lot of time contemplating community, whether within my local parish, the Catholic Church at large, family as community, the birthing community, the abdication of local, real life community for online, virtually generated community, and the impact all of this has on myself, personally, and on the human person. All of my former trajectories will inevitably be intertwined amongst these threads, but within a focused exploration. I look forward to inviting lively discussion over this essential component of human life, our modern experiences, and ways in which we can develop or expand our own communities.

Quick Prayer Request

There is a possibility of my husband’s company getting a large contract back, which would mean money directly into our personal finances because of Brian’s commission structure. They have been hit pretty hard by the economic downturn, and this would be a great help in getting through this next winter. If you feel so inclined, please pray that this contract goes through!

Must See Short Film

Preview today only. Masterful storytelling, artistic vision, and a powerful message about the dignity of man, in just 20 minutes.

The Butterfly Circus.
Starring Eduardo Verástegui (Bella), Doug Jones (Pan’s Labyrinth, Fantastic Four) and featuring the debut performance of Nick Vujicic.

“The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph!”

Today’s Gospel

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 16:24-28.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? Or what can one give in exchange for his life? For the Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father’s glory, and then he will repay everyone according to his conduct. Amen, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

This is the true challenge of living the Gospel, which I struggle with daily. Not only denying myself, but doing so happily and in a way which allows me to continue to be able to perform my duties as wife and mother. It almost seems an impossible synchronicity. There are many ways in which I can deny myself willingly as part and parcel of what is required of a good wife and mother. Is that enough? I feel I need to keep stretching this concept, going further, becoming more selfless, yet I feel I never quite meet the threshold of what I imagine to be true Christian self-denial. Much of my life is set up to serve my own self-interest. Today’s society neither offers much instruction, nor even encouragement, sadly not even within many local parishes.

How have you found ways to stretch your ability to deny yourself happily? Who can you relate to as a wonderful example of self-denial?

Less than half of Summer left?

Isn’t it interesting how you yearn for the future season, only to have it arrive and find yourself still longing for that greener grass that neglected to show up on schedule? That’s kinda how it’s been around here. Where are the lazy days of summer?

May found me counting down the final days of 6AM risings post baby-induced sleepless nights, anticipating finally catching up on those countless hours of sleep lost to the throes of Whooping Cough and teething, producing a child who has missed out on early lessons on sleeping alone, content to spend her entire existence latched to Mama’s bosom (and yes, she is currently right there at this moment, catching a late afternoon nap). And the dog was finally to be trained to not jump all over people, all 40-some pounds of her, to be content at home and not constantly attempt to take unauthorized excursions all over the neighborhood, and refrain from messing upstairs in the bedrooms, which a previous owner’s pet apparently considered his toilet.

Instead, we have encountered a seemingly never-ending stream of activities and events, from sports camps, band camps, concerts, and most recently Vacation Bible School, and T-ball/baseball for two of the middle boys. We spent nearly two weeks away at my sister’s, and carefree vacation scheduling, bookended by 20 hour drive to and from, attempted all in one burst to minimize childish whining (theirs or mine, I can’t rightly say which). All of which to say, I’m still exhausted and I’m afraid my coffee habit is not improving.

Having had a taste of what having four kids out of the home would feel like this week during VBS, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit I’m looking forward to the start of school. In fact, two days a week, five of them will be enjoying themselves in the large brick building next to our parish Church. Maybe I’ll finally have time to put a decent website up for our web design business. Isn’t it funny how projects for other people have a habit of demanding more of our attention than our own?

Actually, I need to amend that count, as my dear, sweet Brian will also be going to school. He’s been admitted to our local 2-year college in their Digital Media Technology program. It’s a new outgrowth of their marketing division, dedicated to all things digital and artistic, from graphics to digital photography and videography. At the end of the program, he should have both an Associates Degree and license to find a career in a field eager for his artistic talent, kissing the “water boy” job good-bye. As long as he can pass those pesky humanities courses! Academia is not his forte, but I know he will enjoy the degree-oriented work.

So what has been accomplished, then, this summer? Baby Zizzy, as we’ve taken to calling Eliza, has finally taken her first steps, just shy of 14 months old. A couple web design projects that had been simmering are nearing completion, one of which is an actual truly paying customer (the other is a streamlining of an existing volunteer project I keep for a group to which I belong). Loose plans for the complete re-construction of the upstairs of our home have been articulated, my father as the contractor-in-charge, with his newly acquired carpentry knowledge learned at the side of my long-time contractor uncle in Hawaii, coupled with a research project undergone to unearth the original plans to this surmised 1920’s era home, and a quest for possible historic site status. A couple actual, real books have been read, and my feed reader’s subscriptions have shrunk in an attempt to regain ground lost to the cyber-ether. Obviously keeping up with this blog can not be included among things accomplished this summer, though not because I haven’t got anything to blog about, a failing I’ll have to remedy.

Enjoy the last few weeks of tranquil summer, dear readers! I’m going to attempt to focus my thoughts more upon the moment, not anxious for the next season and presuming situations will be more to my liking. I’m also going to find a place to hang my replacement hammock, take a book outside and read! (Currently absorbed in the second volume of the Inkworld series by Cornelia Funke and a manual on Infant Potty Training.)

The Unfortunate Hospice post

I promised a post with recommendations for those working Hospice care. Hospice has to be hands-down one of the most difficult nursing care positions available. I hope I don’t come across overly critical, as I believe the service provided is invaluable, and people willing to do it are precious gems, every one. I hope that this post can be constructive, inasmuch as my tiny, sparsely populated little corner of cyberspace can be constructive. But there are some things that I have learned about birth, and now death, that relate.

1. Take your cues from the family. This is the most important piece of advice I could give anyone who is serving a family through a dramatic life event. Adapt your personality so that you become invisible. Completely invisible. We value your service, really we do, but we’d like to forget you are there. All the rest follow from this principal.

2. Watch the phone calls. Try to get as much into as few phone calls to the family as you can get. Once on continuous care, if you can take or make phone calls from outside or a completely separate area of the home, do so. If you cannot, limit your calls to those strictly necessary and no more than 5-10 minutes, and keep your voice down.

3. Be hyper-aware of the personal care issues related to the patient. The family should never have to point out that Dad has been sitting in wet clothing and soon-to-discover, his own filth for hours on end, before he gets changed. This is, after all, why you are there. If your immediate attention needs to be focused on other health issues, chart a note to yourself to remind you to change him ASAP.

4. Keep your personal life story to yourself. This one can be really awkward and difficult, since friends or family may ask you about yourself. But truthfully, these turn into long conversations focused on yourself, who, remember, is trying to be invisible. Try to curtail these conversations as kindly and quickly as possible.

5. Assume the family has normal intelligence and have not completely lost their mind in grief. Explain necessary procedures clearly, but don’t overly dumb down your instructions. It’s demeaning.

Our hospice providers were very nice ladies, and I am grateful that Pa was able to live out his time at home, able to receive visitors as desired and comfortable. But the experience could have gone even more smoothly had these things been kept to the fore of our interactions with the nurses.

Missing Pa

Nana has two photos that were blown up to 8×10, one used for the memorial and one that we gave her of Pa and one of our babies. They are propped on the floor waiting to be hung, and Eliza keeps crawling over to look and oh-so-gently brush her lips against his face.

Overheard from the direction of the Xbox

Simon: Sadie, go do what Daddy said, and I will tell you what buttons to push. Up, Up, Down. Sideways. Oh, you missed! Down, down, down, both ways. Up, Sideways. Yeah, like that!

Sadie: I know, I saw that one.

Sealey Clan Summer Basic Training

“Children, line up! When you can repeat these rules you will be issued your weapons (squirt pistols).”

Rule #1: No shooting anyone who doesn’t want to be shot. (Paul, stand up. What’s rule number 1? Paul: “3″)
Rule #2: Don’t shoot anyone in the head. (Paul, what’s rule number 2? Paul: “3″)
Rule #3: Protect your weapon.
Rule #4: Weapons belong in the weapons locker [plastic drawers in the entrance hall].

End first installment of summer training.

Death of a loved one + sick children =

A nasty bout of mastitis the afternoon before the memorial. I actually went straight to the doctors and got antibiotics it was so bad. Two shots of Rocephin kicked the fever, and now I’m on a course of Amoxicillin and feeling human again. But at least I remembered to offer the pain and suffering up for the completion of Pa’s sanctification.